Just Me...

It’s all a matter of time before everything that I hold dear to my heart fades away. I push and I push for what I think is best for me, so I don’t get hurt, so I can plan out my life but in the end it ends up hurting me worse than any one person could hurt me. I want to know what’s going on, I want to know what the future holds and who I marry and how many kids I have and all that stuff. Most people wouldn’t want to know any of that but if I had the chance to get a glimpse into my future, I would take it in a heartbeat. That way I could stop worrying about who I end up with, what I’m going to do for a living, if I’m going to be happy and all that jazz. I stress out about the littlest things and knowing that I do makes me mad. I don’t want to stress out, I wish I could just relax and let things play out the way God intended but it’s so hard for me to just step back and appreciate what I have right now.

Garth is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I know this and I am so scared that I am going to let him slip away that I do things that probably should push him away, but to my surprise and amazement he sticks around. I just have this fear that he is going to wake up one day and just think to himself that I’m not worth it anymore. Anything we had or anything we built would be gone. I don’t want that to happen. With all of my heart I don’t want to lose him. I know they say, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved before.” I don’t agree. If I’m in love with someone the last thing I want to do is lose them. I’ve lost so many times before that I’m sick of losing. I’m sick of waking up and being over “that one guy.” Honestly, I think losing Garth would be the biggest hurt because I never wanted to fall for him and I have and to lose what I have with him would just tear me to pieces. He treats me like any woman deserves to be treated. He looks at me and everything around me melts away. Yes, I over react to things because I am deathly afraid of losing him. He is a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have him, and I am still trying to figure out why he chose me. Of all the other girls out there and of all the other possibilities, he chose to see me. It’s crazy how one person can change your whole perception about something. I think I am so worried that he’s going to come to his senses and leave that I forget about everything else he has done and let my emotions take control and I need to just let things fall into place rather than trying to place them where I think they should be. If fate or God want us together and we are meant to be it will happen. Through all the stress of school and work and everything else we have to deal with, if it is “meant to be” then I have to trust God to guide me. Now I just have to hold true to my word and leave life alone and let things fall into place. As hard as that is going to be for me, if I want to keep Garth in my life I have to let go and put it in God’s hands.

So for one whole week I am going to focus on myself and not worry about what is going on with Garth. If I run into him then fine, I will do whatever God tells me or guides me to do, but other than that I am not going to text him and let him miss me. It’s my turn to have someone come after me so here we go… one week. No facebooking, no texting, no calling, no nothing. Time to let life fall into place…