Just Me...

You know I don’t know what it is about me and guys. I just can’t seem to get it right. I either fall for the ones who don’t want anything to do with me or push the ones that actually like me away. Where is the balance? When am I going to learn where THAT line is?

I don’t even know what THAT line is. I know it’s there. I know I’ve crossed it many times. I guess with each person it’s different. But how do I know when I’m crossing it or not trying hard enough.

Yeah, I had a really great guy like literally in the palm of my hand and then BAM it faded faster than the night sky. Maybe I am over reacting but I know when things start to diminish because that’s what I’m used to. I’m used to people walking in and then running out of my life.

Yes, there are times where I am gonig to have “girl-like” tendencies like being over emotional or irritated or annoyed but that’s what come with being a girl. So if that’s the reason why I run guys off then that’s stupid. They need to learn to handle me at my worst in order to deserve me at my best.

I’m not going to brag or boast but I am a really good catch. I am athletic, I love football and know a ton about it, I love sports in general, love the outdoors, love trying something new, aren’t afraid to laugh out loud or laugh at myself. I don’t really care what people think about me. I am actually smart but I have really funny blonde moments that just make me who I am. I know how to cook, might not like to but I can make some mean chicken! I can be ready in like 10 minutes. I love talking to anyone and can make friends really easy. I’ll sit there and listen to your point of view but then tell you my point and show you why you are wrong. Brett Favre is my HERO and one of his biggest fans. Hunting and fishing I find fun and thrilling. I love scary movies and love haunted houses and the adrenaline rush that comes with it. I’ll try any sport once and probably more than once, same goes with food or anything else.

So where am I going wrong? Why is it that one really great guy can come into my life and then leave like it’s no big deal? You know what… it is a big deal bcause those are my emotions he is messing with. I’ve been let down day after day and year after year that it’s about time I stand up for myself and my emotions.

But as soon as I look at him, every worry and every upset goes away. He gives me a hug and it’s all over. I have melted and I am back in the same boat I was in 10 minutes ago once he leaves.

I want so badly for Garth to realize that when he looks in my eyes my entire world fades away and it’s just the two of us in the room. I want him to wake up one day and miss me. I want so badly for Garth to want me the way I want him.

“I’d be lying if I told you: losing you is something I can handle.”

That might sound bad but it’s not want as in property it’s want as in emotionally and physically. I dream about holding his hand through campus and just forgetting that everyone else exists. I want to see him at the gym and go up and give him a hug and a kiss and then walk away knowing he’ll call me later and see how my day was. I want him to surprise me at my house with a scary movie and popcorn. I want him to take me for a bike ride through Nacogdoches. I want to see things I’ve never seen and I want to see them with Garth. I want to get in a fight and not talk for a couple of days and then have him show up at my house or work with nothing but a hug in tow.

You can say that I’ve fallen for him, or you can see that I found someone who actually means something to me and the worst thing right now is I am afraid that I’ve already lost the best thing that’s ever been mine.

So what I have decided to do is just take a step back and see where my life leads me. IF Garth and I are meant to be than God will work in his mysterious way and connect us. And if Garth was put in my life as just a friend or a guy to show me that not all guys are the same, then I will welcome that with open arms.

But just once would I like God to help me out and show me that I am not completely ugly or worthless. Not that having a man in my life is going to make me feel pretty or worthwhile because I already know I’m something to someone but it would help because my whole life I have been searching for someone like Garth and to have him walk out of my life would be like ripping a bandage off a flesh wound.

I’m not giving up. I am not the type of person to give up on love. I am going to keep plowing through life looking for Mr. Right but for the time being I think I need to focus on myself and my life. I need to not be concerned with having someone else in my life, as much as I crave a partner and someone there for me, right now I can’t do it.

So here’s to being single and everything that comes with it. Let’s see how far I can get before I crumble…