Just Me...

It’s crazy how about 9 months ago you meant everything to me and now you are just a distant memory. Put in the back of my mind and never really thought of again. I haven’t seen you in about 9 months and with the start of school coming up, knowing you are going to be in my town, scares me.

It scares me cause I really thought I loved you. It scares me because I don’t want to fall into the emotional sink hole I was in when I liked you. It scares me because as much as I hate to admit it, I think I still like you.

I don’t know why. I’ve had an amazing summer here, hardly ever thought of you unless I saw a white Dodge truck. I fell in love with someone else. And this time it’s real. Unlike when I liked you when my feelings were forced because I thought I had to like you. I still remember the day I saw you eating in East College and thought you were really handsome. Now it’s hard for me to remember what you look like, other than having a belly.

I didn’t notice things about you. I remember your eye color was brown, and you had darker skin than I. You had really good looking legs but facial features… I can’t think of any. I can’t remember if you had freckles, or if one eye was smaller than the other. I don’t remember the sparkle of your eyes in the sunlight. I don’t remember the shape of your lips or the way you smile.

I remember all of these things with Brett. The way his eyes light up when he sees me. The smile on his face how it’s a little crooked but it still makes me weak in my knees. The freckles on his lower lip. The freckles on his arms. The way his hair is messy but tame. The radient color of his eyes in the sunlight.

I can remember more about Brett than I ever did about you. The way he makes me smile just about every time I see him. I never want to give up or give in with Brett. My heart has never told me to stop loving him or to give it all up and move on. Just the thought of giving up feels weird.

There is a reason for Brett to be in my life. I can see more than a future with him. I can see me being happy and living a life I wouldn’t ever want to trade in. I can see me introducing Brett to my family, I can see us out on the lake with friends or even with kids. I can see me walking down the aisle and not having a single regret for the rest of my life.

I understand that right now its’s not going to go anywhere due to the fact that I am Brett’s boss and neither one of us want to risk getting fired or getting in trouble. It is a really tough spot to be in because my feelings are so strong but I have to be strong and have faith that everything will work out in the end.

I know everything will work out because I still get the butterflies every time I see Brett…